Not quite depression

but I feel a sadness.  am not sure if it more empathy for how things are or rather my lack of change.  Life is impressive though when you stick with it.  Caffeine soothes the brain cause without it; damn those brain aches.  Snot is gross.  Must blow.  Desert quartz winds amongst us.  All this randomness hurts.  More focus.  More drugs.

Brandi Carlile is my inspiration

So last night it took me two hours to go twenty five minutes because I simply got lost.  My only hope was to arrive in time for Brandi Carlile’s amazing heartfelt performance at LA’s beautiful Wiltern Theatre.  I made it with time to spare.  I felt inspired by her song writing to at least share in this blog.  So I am naturally anti social and even though things are chill; I feel there is an earthquake lurking in the Mid Atlantic Ridge of my life that will evoke the worst tsunami.  Drowning, gasping and pretty much lifelessness lurks.  Perhaps a tad dramatic but here is where the kicker lies, no more Brandi Carlile or Vermillion Lies or any music I adore.  I must refrain from losing myself.  I need to pull off all the necessary coping stops.  Preparing for the worst and expecting the worst will save me.  At least I am convincing myself of this potential retrograde.

Chat Douche Bags

<!– /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:”"; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} –>

So I am an avid chat room junkie.  I need my bloody fix 93% of the time.  Personalities clash that is a given.  However, separating button pushing to personal attacks is sometimes difficult for me to distinguish.  I get on people’s nerves and dont apologize for it.  Others get on my nerves and then attack my weight.  I recall once when he did so that he said well she attacks my character, so essentially for him to attack my weight was his way to get back at me.  Yes that is the same thing.  Tit for Tat.  However my weight and his character are apples and oranges.  He enjoys talking about me behind my back, and then claims a woman must grow balls in order to call his condescending ass out on the chat room floor. Facts are we don’t like one another and ignore each other often. Then when he is asked to squash it, he uses the famous-“she started it,” and I was minding his own business retort.

Granted this certainly borderline inconceivable drama creeping on the lame. Yet I had to share my distaste for humans who paint a picture of them in an unrealistic outlook when in reality they are truly an asshole what whines and whines.  Yes although I am whining here right now on this blog, I will admit to it, unlike that douche bag.

Humor

A dear friend proclaimed to me that she enjoys my stream of consciousness.  Well another “friend” am assuming or rather would be 3 dollars that she does not.  In fact she in no uncertain terms claimed i lack respect.  Hmm I think that is almost true if and only if my attempt at humor was done in a malicious manner.  Facts are that I am rarely digging someone’s their ill fated grave when the opposite is bloody true.  I tend to seek their affection.  After this funny socially inept moment i am KNOWN for….I tell her she clearly does not know me and in turn I clearly dont know her.  So now I am learning that if the person cant or does not like my joking around with them then I must refrain from doing so, and therefore we are sadly better off not as friends.  I dont eggshells.  I dont do eggs sometimes.  I appreciate a frenzied silliness run amok.  Most do not.  Go bloody figure.  Lesson learned.  Perhaps.  Mistakes crack open like a dry fish fart.

if you cared and loved for someone yet

you move on with your lives and no communication exists.  So yeah I do a search on her name and discovered she is a humanist minister.  A tad bit surprised but more intrigued at her new undertaking of thoughtfulness.  Finding a partner and wanting a commitment is perhaps the most unique and strange event in my own mind.  Yeah I am pretty cynical about “marriage” however the sentimental desires for one another only naturally determines marriage.

So yeah I felt as though a simple communication and gratitude to her would have been nice.  However it is apparent her life is full and now i digress to cynicism and she wont want to spend two-three minutes giving me the time of day.

Admiration eh

I admire you.  I love you.  I adore you.  Now I must learn to recategorize those adjectives into a simple box that keeps my thoughts and woos.  Switching into a comfortable mind set that we are “better off as friends.”  So no sex huh?  am so glad for masturbation!  

friends say they will keep an eye out for me…i say i need to start dating a job/career.  attempting to make myself more appealing with monies and a few years of counseling to help my dogma.

wanting to sleep but

it is too bloody hot and am considering air conditioning.  until then I am enjoying this time thinking and feeling how sweet it is to visit you soon.  wrapped around your finger, yes.  fucked, yes.  enjoying you, fuck yes.  shrug babe.  sometimes I think i want to tell you secrets on this blog but realize others might read them lol.  sometimes i think i dont know what i am thinkin when it is over 80 degrees and i am sweating at 1030pm due to unnecessary heat.  k time for the fuckin AC.  burp.  erase the burp. giggles.  takin a shower sounds refreshing at this hour hmm.  nah.  if all goes well, ill be hanging on the east coast sleeping next to you in less than a week….WOW. big ole sheepish grin.

Eating boogers

2008 so far has felt booger free until yesterday.  eating crow is what some i have heard call it; i say eat boogers cause well it is more fuckin funny to me.  however sometimes it is random the booger eating concept. my bella said mother nature can eat boogers and i tend to agree, in fact i think mother nature does eat boogers often.  all finals can eat boogers.

Life Lesson # Who gives a Fuck?

So about an hour ago a dear loved one calls me as mom and i driving home and he tells me he almost died…he is hyper ventilating and his heart rate is heart ache high.  he is trying to remain calm.  he thinks of random thoughts; i tell him i will be home soon and that mom thinks my car smells like Kotex.  mom’s jokes are funny yet gross sometimes.  

i took a lorazepam and bayer, so i am feeling less hotheaded.  i give a fuck when perhaps i should seek help.  a little mental help goes a long way i say.

here is a little poem i wrote about today

End of May

I smell like cat drool

Death lurking mule

Grass compost trigger day

Go with the alluvial flow

Fuck mow, joe, and go

Sweetness purrs no hospital stay

Eat ice cream I say.

language slip ups

my perceptions are aching, and the language i write is fucked.  I think i want to sniff chicago.  i burned the candle she got me because i want reminders and cause she makes me smile.  rather it is so easy to smile when she is near me.  i guess if i could draw a picture of what the last 5 weeks have meant to me; i would include the following: sunflowers, melons, a funky cloud, other random objects.